This is how I feel. I always feel as if I'm being judged, and I tend not to speak out loud because I'm afraid someone will tease me or laugh at me and I will regret it. I always dread schoolschool because I might have to answer something on the spot. I always panic around loud people and I can't make eye contact. Ever. If I get asked a question in front of the classclass with no time to prepare I freeze and don't have an answer. MyM mum doesn't believe I have it, she says I'm just shy and I'll get over it. But I know I won't. I hate it.
This is how I feel at school. I've been carefully avoiding the extrovert kids for a while now and I kinda want to talk to them because they're nice people but at the same time I panic just by seeing them walk in the room. I want to talk to them but everytime they're around I panic >_< And they must think I hate them because I look away everytime someone looks at me in the eyes and I don't talk much when they try to make conversation because I'm too scared
I feel like I'm being watched, even stalked perhaps. I don't go to parties even though I get invited, I seem to make an excuse, it's because I don't like to be around in a crowd, I can't look people in the eye, I can't stop pacing up and down the hallways when I'm alone, I usually day dream which makes me go everywhere in the morning, I usually stand outside in the cold because my line that goes into first class is outside and I always come to school early to avoid people. I really feel like suicide right about now.
I know when you're at the bottom that a pep-talk is the last thing you need or want, I've been there. So I'm not going to give you one. I'm just going to say that if you're thinking about suicide you need to see a professional. When you're at the bottom it looks like there is no way out; like things will be this way forever. They may not get it right the first time, but a pro can give you some relief while everything gets figured out. I've been to that dark place, and there are no words I can give you that will lift you up from it, but a pro can get you on the right path. It sucks to look at someone and say, "Something is wrong and I can't control it anymore." It is a huge blow to the self. People who haven't been there don't understand it either. They'll try, some try really hard, but they just don't get it. The professionals get it. You can describe the strange combinations of thoughts and emotions that run through you and they will understand, sometimes better than you do yourself. I urge you to just go talk to a professional of some kind. A doctor, nurse, or whatever it is. They can get you on the right path in time, and it's worth the fight to get your life back.